June 4th, 2009

Is it any wonder that my life continues along as a series of odd and unreasonable events?

Take today’s lunch for example. I dined, for my very first time, at a local raw food restaurant, Cafe 118. Needless to say - or maybe I do need to say - it was tasty. It isn’t like any wild and bizarre expectation you may have; the food is scrumptious and tastes a lot like food you would consider ‘usually delicious’. Given the environment associated with Raw Foodism, and the culture of life that surrounds anyone dedicated to not eating animals and not cooking ANYTHING, you’d think I would show a little sympathy toward their cause. And in large measure, I did manage to order off the menu without once mentioning hamburgers, or the venison I had the night before, or my toasted bagel and scrambled eggs for breakfast, or any generally stupid comment that is almost too difficult to avoid, considering the narrow lane one must walk when wandering through such a side street.

I managed to avoid any real embarrassment until I opened my lunch-time reading material, a tremendous book on Florida culture entitled The Tropic of Cracker. It’s a series of essays devoted to the misfits and poets that have made magic in the rural and rough parts of Florida. Until today, it was a book I had opened at least a dozen times at lunch, reading one or two chapters and almost always managing to find myself discussing its prose with another diner or with the waitstaff. Until today, I had suggested this book to everyone that had asked about it - and some that hadn’t - with the caveat that ‘you’ll feel like you barely know this state at all when you’re finished’. I probably still hold to that conviction, as nothing yet in its content has failed to enchant me.

But today, as fate would have it, just as my waitress was delivering a plate of macadamia nut ‘cheese’ and sun-dried cherry tomato-stuffed basil wraps, I became acutely aware that I was reading a story about a rural hog killin’ party, complete with photos of the newly dispatched hog’s severed head, boiling guts, and butchered body. The long, slow, unspoken conversation I had with my server’s wide eyes told me that I should probably enjoy this meal, as I would most assuredly make their ‘do not allow’ list in the immediate future. To make matters worse, I couldn’t help but find the whole thing incredibly funny.

Anyone else would call this an embarrasment, or maybe one of the most idiotic things they have ever done. For me, though, in this Folk-art/Foie Gras life I lead, I simply call it ‘Lunch on Thursday’.

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May 29th, 2009

Do you like burgers? Do you like the deliciousness that is 1/2lb. of your favorite meat, ground fine and packed together in a semicircular, delectable mess? Do you like to savor the flavor of each bite, longing for another as soon as the last bits of grilled goodness smack the bottom of your stomach? Do you burgerquest, hoping from diner to joint, praying to find the Dali Lama of burger-making? Then hit your knees, cross yourself, and prepare ye the way of the Lord…

Morgan’s Burger Bistro is undoubtedly the greatest burger palace in the history of the ground beef monarchy.

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Posted in Housekeeping |
May 2nd, 2009

So, this is happening…

Crystal Head Vodka

Yep, and that’s Dan Aykroyd. It’s also the longest explanation on why I should drink vodka I’ve ever heard. Makes me want some whiskey.

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Posted in Housekeeping |
April 28th, 2009

I’ve done a lot of dumb things in my life. There’s probably better vocabulary that makes it seem less harsh, but in truth, I’ve managed to achieve a zen-like dumbness more often that I would like to admit. So, going forward, I will start admitting it. Heretofornow, I will attempt a listing of weekly dumbness that should, at the very least, make you feel much, much better about yourself.

To kick things off, I’m highlighting the 5 dumbest things I’ve done in the past two months, in no particular order of stupidity:

  • Grabbed an electric fence
  • Attempted to solder the bottom of a metal oil candle, with residual oil still in it
  • Cut through an electrical wire without throwing the proper breaker
  • Began training for my 4th marathon, one month prior to the race
  • Ate 6 dozen oysters in one sitting

I am sure you’re beginning to wonder at my ignorance, stupidity, and blind recklessness. Just wait. My dumbness knows no bounds.

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Posted in Housekeeping |
April 17th, 2009

So I seldom post. That is obvious. What’s more, I seldom write much when I post, which is even more obvious. I attribute this to two distinct reasons:

1) I HATED my old version of Wordpress

2) I HATED my old version of Wordpress

Given that there are few, better choices than Wordpress in the blogging world, I realize that I am in the minority in disliking WP. However, with the new and improved version I just snapped up, almost all of my issues have sailed off the ends of the Earth.

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Posted in Housekeeping |
October 20th, 2008

How dumb is our nation? How incredibly stupid, ignorant, and shortsighted is our population?

Very.

With 14 days to go until this painful campaign season comes to an end, it has become glaringly obvious that our nation has lost any shred of credibilty it may once have had. Whatever currency we possessed with other governments in the “We Know Democracy” debates has disappeared. 14 days to go, two political candidates, and there remains one simple, stupid fact:

There are still undecided voters out there.

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October 3rd, 2008

One wonders what would be the outcome of such persistence put to noble use…

Criminal Tenacity

And they say that Americans have lost their determination.

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September 24th, 2008

Forgive me if I sound desperate, but such is the voice of man far, far from home, lost and alone without a compass and without a way.

I knew this day would come. I think we all came to that realization separately over the past few years. However, the difference between knowing something will come and having that very thing knock at your door is like hearing of the Holocaust and having the Gestapo standing in your living room. It is a shock to the senses and a blow to the reality I have carefully constructed over my 31 years on this planet. To even type the words makes my heart ache with loss, but I must do it or you will wonder whether I’ve lost my mind.

Larry Munson has retired.

To non-UGA fans, this means very little. Maybe you’ve heard of him, maybe you’ve heard a call of his played on ESPN or YouTube, maybe you know nothing at all. But to the initiated, to those whose veins run both Red and Black, Larry Munson is the voice of The University of Georgia. Not just the football team, mind you; Larry is the signature sound when one thinks and dreams of Athens in the Fall.

To overstate his impact on UGA as an institution is impossible. He created, for thousands of fans and alumni everywhere, a verbal fresco of college football, of tailgates and war cries, of cigars and hotdogs, of heroes made and heroes broken, of enemies vanquished and hope restored. To hear him was to hear the University as one sees it in person. The sights, the sounds, the smells, the heartache, the triumph, Larry Munson brought into homes across the Southeast an open window into Sanford Stadium and college football at large.

And there is where the magic goes missing now. I have lived away from Athens nearly all my life. Minus my 5 years attending Georgia, I spent most of my Autumn Saturdays elsewhere. Unless I made the commute, which I often did, my only unfailing hope of following my Beloved Bulldogs was to turn the radio over to Larry, and let him conjure for me, wherever I was, a portal onto the Field, between those sacred hedges. For as long as he spoke and as long as I listened, Sanford Stadium was nearer to me than the 300 sections in the upper deck. I felt the game in way that only true presence can be felt. I knew the emotion; I could feel the worry in the crowd, the anticipation, the hope. No matter the hour or the place, Larry always found a way to bring me to the game.

And now, that great, gravelly voice has retired. That sweet, anxious storyteller has put down his microphone for the last time. Living farther away from Athens than I ever have, my gap remains ever wide, and my belief in the old magic is gone.

So you must forgive me if I sound desperate, for my compass is lost, and the road this Fall is as dangerous as I can remember. And while I know the paths that may lead me back to Athens, the distance seems much greater, and I no longer have the comfort of Munson’s voice, telling me when to drive faster, when to worry, and when to hunker down.

Thank you Larry Munson, for being the window and the wit of the Bulldogs for all these years. May God grant you many more, if only to hear the joy you brought us all.

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September 22nd, 2008

It all began on a passenger tram in the Dallas airport. I was more-or-less sleeping on my feet, waiting for the nice robot woman to tell me I was at my terminal. Reading my ticket again, just to make sure I would actually make my flight, I heard the distinctive drawl of someone who had spent a good portion of their life sipping whiskey from solo cups.

“You headed to Phoenix?”

Dazzled by this mind-reading savant, I looked up and said, “Uh, yeah,” realizing only after sounding like an unemployed can collector that I was wearing my UGA hat.

Turns out, the kind words came from an Auburn alum, himself headed for the Plains to watch his beloved Tigers take on LSU.

“Seen a lot of y’all marching through the airport,” he said, checking his own ticket. “Good sign, good sign.”

I smiled and we chatted a bit more before my stop. Stepping out the door, he wished me good luck, and there we departed for our separate pilgrimages.

As I moved on, I thought about how fortunate I was to be an SEC football fan; to have someone I have never met - a fan of a team I will never, ever like - wish me God speed, knowing exactly how anxious I was in that very moment. Whistling “Glory, glory”, I hopped down the last steps of the escalator and marched the last few yards to Gate A20 for my final flight to Phoenix.

That ethereal connection to Southeastern Football, just a few yards fresh, was about to set up solid as day-old concrete.

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September 14th, 2008

So I would rather this post fade into the background. I am saying something that I really didn’t want to ever say outloud. The truth is, a lot of folks have been saying it for years, and I’m just now catching up.

SNL sucks.

Yep. I’ve bought in now. I stayed away from those two words as long as I possibly can. But in the wake of last night’s show, one that I had hoped would be fantastical beyond my wildest unicorn fantasies, I can no longer be rational and reach another conclusion.

There was once wit and wisdom that came with almost every single skit. There was once such tremendous talent in every character that you couldn’t help but laugh at just the anticipation of it all. That, my friends, is no longer.

Sure, they have a fresh cast of actors and actresses that seem to at least get what makes America laugh. But somewhere in either the writing or the translation, something horribly funny gets lost among the cheap political attacks and blatant fart jokes.

Tina Fey, and her spot-on Palin impersonation, opened the show with a side-by-side Hillary Clinton press conference. The utter cheapness of her gags and overall lack of any message other than “Palin is an idiot. Hillary is amazing,” submarined a sketch that had enormous potential for laughs.

And it just got worse from there.

The sad truth is that there is more talent, pound-for-pound, on this cast, than any other in long, long memory. They do the best with what they have, but the writing is just too bland, too quirky, and way too predictable. Given the bright spots here and there, I wonder what it would take to break out of this rut and forge a new path toward funny for this generation.

Apparently a lot, considering how many folks have been clammoring for just such a thing for years now.

Maybe it’ll happen soon, but someone will have to tell me about it. I just can’t watch any longer.

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Posted in On the Couch |